*no one can make you inferior without your consent*

i thought i was done with you
when i left your city
i just wanted some comfort
i guess i still do
but
i dreamed of you  last night
i saw you coming
and i felt so excited, but it got better
we embraced, you held on
and then your lips where everywhere, caressing my face and neck
and then finally, O FINALLY
our mouths made contact, and forever was there in my hands.
it gets less romantic from there, so i'll let myself forget it,
but today on this cool almost autumn california day
i was with you
i was with you

i have been so lost for so long, searching for a miracle. any kind of intervention. unsafe to run, wrong to stay, and utterly alone. so ashamed by my search for a savior. o where does my help come from? when will my breakthrough break through? how much more will i love and lose before it starts to make sense? 

lord almighty. like carrie in sex and the city said, "i'm lonley. the lonliness is palpable." they were disscussing how sometimes people just dont tell other people things because they dont like the way it sounds. like, for me, "i have no close friends that live near enough to see. and i really need to see some close friends, bad".

i feel so stuck and strange, because i dont know how to fix this situation. i am trying super hard not to buy pot. i found out i don't actually get drug tested, so i can smoke it again, but i'm so worried i'll pick it right back up. i don't want to be dependent on anything. or anyone, maybe thats the problem. i'm holding myself back so much.

i feel desperate, like i'm am begging the universe to send me an angel to heal my tattered heart. someone i wouldnt push away, someone that can stay on my level and INTEREST me. i'm so worn out by the stupid cunts i work with, so absorbed by their stupid kids and boyfriends and stupid moms. i cannot believe what mel said to me 2 nights ago, asking about my mom. "well were you close to her? i mean, you dont seem very sad.."   FUCK YOU BITCH YOU HAVE NO CLUE!!!!!!

thats what i have for female interections. wind whistleing thru the ears girls who only care about themselves, and find the mundane day to day living shit appearently very dramtic and taxing.

and i've let them make me into a mockery. they laugh at me, even though often i laugh at the same time. i just wish they were just the slightest bit more open. the same girl, mel, thought the nuva ring was gross. really???? poeple who fuck animals are gross, but the most amazing birth control in the world??? thats not gross.

 

i feel very sorry for myself, thats all. its a mess. boo fucking hoo.

o the mistakes i have made
and how i wish i could forget
the eternal memories of a mind with
no sunshine
distant glimmers of what, i don't know
i have forged with no passion incidents
that for the waking moments i regret
so i drudged on, sleepy thru daylight
and poisoning the hours alive
loathing the breath i had to take in
and the energy i spent in using it
to no end
no beginning, nothing
and wishing only to forget, if i could forget.
everything

trembling on mediocracy
a tepid existence, am i afraid
of finding some solid ground
and possibly
not feeling so insane
i have worn sadness as a coat, shoes, hat
, it has surounded me
50% of air i breathe is, disbelief
but soundness stands in corners since
i met love and gave into him
and somehow, though i tried to run
i stayed, here i am, happily so
living in love

a light clump of ash,

i walked into a dark room, searching for the secret you say you keep there

curious why it is someone who has nothing to hide does

where there are skeletons everywhere, i crush one with each step,  barefoot

blood slips and oozes out, burrowing into the carpet and planting my dna

i remember, for a moment, leaving my curling iron on that morning

"hope hilda is ok"

 

where there are souls, everywhere, SCREAMING

LET me out, is anyone there that cares, am i nothing

i've known for so long i could do what i thought was right

but i never realized how long i could do something i knew was wrong

i have made love to evil, pure silent poison

captain releases control to impulse, not in communication

taunting and stalking after fire

inviting some insanity, any diversion

 

i am hot now, i see him in the fire

finally catching on

i am a small, catastrophic, atomic blonde  

and i have burned infanitely bright

but

reduced ultimately too, from what i came,            ash