lord almighty. like carrie in sex and the city said, "i'm lonley. the lonliness is palpable." they were disscussing how sometimes people just dont tell other people things because they dont like the way it sounds. like, for me, "i have no close friends that live near enough to see. and i really need to see some close friends, bad".

i feel so stuck and strange, because i dont know how to fix this situation. i am trying super hard not to buy pot. i found out i don't actually get drug tested, so i can smoke it again, but i'm so worried i'll pick it right back up. i don't want to be dependent on anything. or anyone, maybe thats the problem. i'm holding myself back so much.

i feel desperate, like i'm am begging the universe to send me an angel to heal my tattered heart. someone i wouldnt push away, someone that can stay on my level and INTEREST me. i'm so worn out by the stupid cunts i work with, so absorbed by their stupid kids and boyfriends and stupid moms. i cannot believe what mel said to me 2 nights ago, asking about my mom. "well were you close to her? i mean, you dont seem very sad.."   FUCK YOU BITCH YOU HAVE NO CLUE!!!!!!

thats what i have for female interections. wind whistleing thru the ears girls who only care about themselves, and find the mundane day to day living shit appearently very dramtic and taxing.

and i've let them make me into a mockery. they laugh at me, even though often i laugh at the same time. i just wish they were just the slightest bit more open. the same girl, mel, thought the nuva ring was gross. really???? poeple who fuck animals are gross, but the most amazing birth control in the world??? thats not gross.

i feel very sorry for myself, thats all. its a mess. boo fucking hoo.