well i went to bed about an hour ago, yes i really did and i gave sleep a good shot. i can be fair to sleep. my trouble is that i get thinkning about things that trouble me. like my intense desire to leave this state tomorow. i jsut want to fly away to essex to katies house where i can be with someone i know definetly loves me and hang out with jayna and johnmark and chris and alex and sarah and maddie too maybe. isnt that crazy? i have all these qualitie friends in massachustes. i love pople and i make friends everywhere because its like haveing yuor heart in those places. then i started tyhinking about dallas of all people. dallas, a kid fomr the summer who came to the family convention and had a crush on me. i had one on him too until i realized he couldnt actually talk to me practically at all. it wasnt until the last day that he actually stopped talking to me thru eveyone else and talked to me on his own. it was rather awkward and i ran from him for the rest of the convention. but he was fun to hang out with all the same. anyway he left and came back and left me a note on the mens dorm steps, so a few days later i took an adventure and got the note. it was all folded hot dog style and have a plastic thing with 2 hearts cut in it wraped around it. it was kinda cute actually. so that was the end of dallas. he was from ny and to this day i dont know whyhe was named dallas other than the fact that he said his mom liked the name. but it must be more than that, people from ny dont name their kids dallas. whatever. from there i thoughtn about the basement kids and amys party and then tim and then i realized i had to get up. enouhg of this i say. so here i am, 4:30 AM pitifully wishing i could sleep and also that this seat had a cushion, my bum really really hurts. but then i realize thias si where i am most free. yeah you really want to know the quiet calm side of me, the side that knows nothign but love and memories and cnoviction, come and meet me at 4 in the morning. (arent you glad there are no lower case numbers?) i have realzied if i need to change my life it usually begins at this time(ahhh i got a cushion so now my back, bum and mind are happier. im listening to Mewithoutyou by the way) and i also have realized i barely know anger, hate, annoyance or pain at this time. truly i am happiest and most complete now. here no one can tell me im insignifigant, here no one can reject me, here no one can be chosen over me, here no one can be hurt by me, here i can hurt no one, here i can jsut think. i think about the park with the postulates, i think about stargazing with ben jess joe and davey, i think of the ngiht i spent awake with my cousins romping thru fairwood, i think of gaylord, the best cat ever and of eating ramon noodles at the moshers, being pushed in the pool by amy and jaki, walking alone around fairwood, queen of everything, the moment i found out andrew was dead, the moment i found out about amy and jesse, the moment i was caught, the moment when i realized...i guess there can be pain at this time. but i take it all in stride.life goes on. altho i have to wonder why i was so hurt when tim wouldnt reply to me. why it was so strange to me when alfred wouldnt answer my question, and why i was so sad when john left and i had to stop talking to jayna. and why now i am so sure that tomorrow holds hidden treasures for me. whew this has all been very emotional.

and now for somehting completely different

i wrote a really really awresome poem for the poop cat, bluebell, who is my current pet. i really love this rejected beast with infected crap stench ears. im too lazy to go ALL THE WAY to my bedroom to gte the notebook so maybe another day ay? ha day ay? day ay day ay day ay.....wow i really love this mewithoutyou album. CATCH FOR US THE FOXES. thats right. now go cathc your own foxes. so john(not from texas, but rather potsmoking computer nerd from amherst) introduced me to a band called the epoxies and they're really aweosme. theres no dought in my mind that their songs are inspiried by extensive drug use but they're still fun to listen to. very groovy kinda techno sounding punk. so i was just reading calvin and hobbes, my mom and dad love pointing out how much im like calvin, wanting the whole world to go my way. and i have to ask, is that so abnormal? especially becuase ive never thought i was too bad at being selfish. im learning. TAKE IT IN STRIDE RIGHT? so the other night i was exploring my dads office looking for a game and i guess it was kinda late, my dad was a asleep in the livingroom(my dad and brother love sleeping downt here when theres a fire in the woodstove) and davey was playing halo on the computer. anyhow so i happened to take bluebell with me and i was climbing around everywhere looking for this thing, drawers shelves cubbys and whatnot, and all of a sudden theres this huge crash as blue manages to knock over half o the things on my dads waaaay over cluttered desk. the lamp was most noteable and amde the loudest noise. so yeah, my partner in crime, not only a cat but a cluzty one at that, fails the first shot. operations sims livin large was a flop in 2 ways. first the incident with the lamp and whatnot, and second becuase i never found the buried treasure. o golly i want to be a pirate looking for treasure. i told my mom that i had a horrible desire to be a criminal(perfectly true, i love the rush) and she went on this whole rave about how i would live with a huge knot in my stomach forever and i would be constanly scared of being caught. whatever, id rather be rich legally anyway. well i think so anyway. beyond all desires is the fact that i will have to refuse, YET AGAIN, my desires and live a life of legality and honesty. well honesty isnt the part that gest me, but o boy i doo love the rush... o well. i guess ill jsut be a secretary for some big succesful buinssnessman and live my life behind glasses and take my 12 kids to cathelic school...HAHAHHAHAHAHA ASSSS IFFFFFF OOOVER MY DEADDD BOODYY!! yes, i plan on having kids but hopefully just like 3, and i couldnt ever have an affice job, i mena really, can you picture me at the same office day after day...ooooBUTTERFLY!(inside joke from the kids at trinity who thoght it was funny to mock poor kids who had a.d.. want to ride bikes??) right well thats a motherly long writng so i think that'll do it. im going to read my old entries now. much love kids. live big. rock on. praise jesus always.

ps

i have wanted to explain my name for some time know but no one asked and i kept forgetting to tell but now i recal. water over wine is from some song that talks about life and whatever, it means choosing the good over the bad, overcoming additcions, facing the demons in your life. get it? like ifyou're an alchoholic and you chose water over wine you've won. right so thats that.